There are doors

Tonight I let myself slip into the spaces where manipulation becomes power, both over self and others….I watched two films, first The Notorious Bettie Page and then Fire Walk With Me. So many similarities, strong women seeking truth and finding so many people who will tear them apart for a moment of gratification. I’ve known this too, the rough splintered doors that are forced upon us. Walking back through into some form of sanity I find solace neither in Bettie’s salvation nor in Laura’s death. There must be another door.

I’ve always appreciated David Lynch for his elucidation of mystery, showing the twisted path of the subconscious that binds us to things we barely understand. So much of life is caught in this netherspace where logic no longer will guide us home. Meeting Lynch in person and watching him speak there’s a clear sense that he channels his work from some other place; the black lodge of his unconscious is alive and well on celluloid. He understands all too clearly the relationship between those open doors and the drugs that often take us there….cigarettes, cocaine, alcohol, caffeine, GHB. Dangerous doors.

Bettie Page made far more sense to me, a woman deeply caught by her convictions, full of life and yet so innocent. The innocence of Donna in juxtaposition…..there’s a tenderness that Lynch did not want to destroy, and rightly so. Certain doors do not need to be opened.

The fight inside me no longer plagues on and yet there’s a recognition of those doors that I do not want to open again. I have seen the demons. They are not so big and bad, they are only bad actors with makeup. Such is life, we are all those actors in some way, and we choose what doors we want to open in this long and silly journey. Watching these women lose their innocence there’s a deep sadness….but also great joy. I do not know where the joy comes from but I still seek that door, not knowing what lies behind it.

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